Kimberly Kory - Destructive Patterns and Emotional Abuse

Destructive
Patterns
and Abuse

Destructive Patterns / Trauma and Emotional Abuse

When a woman goes to a policeman and says, "Look at me, I am black and blue. My husband hit me!" the officer will say, "Yes, of course, we can definitely help you." However, if a woman were to go to a police officer and says, "Look at me. My self esteem is really low. I don't like myself any more. I'm not sure what I think except that I must be overwhelmed and confused. Can you help me?" The the officer would likely say, "Look lady, go check yourself into a mental hospital. You're nuts." Ironically, both situations are the same. The first is overt abuse, which is easily visible. The second is covert abuse and nobody believes you. In fact, you don't even believe yourself.

I can't tell you how many women have said, "I wish he would hit me so finally someone will believe me and might see all this extreme pain I am in and maybe even help me." (This is sadly what forces traumatized people to stay and live the rest of their lives in total silence.) In fact, research has shown that women who have been physically abused have stated that it was the emotional abuse that was far more damaging in the long term. It was also much harder to get these psychologically attacking scars to their soul out of their system. The demeaning insults seem to permeate their entire self, life, interactions and self love (or lack thereof), including lack of self respect.

They become apathetic to themselves, to life and toward others. They need help, but each time they reach out their hand gets slapped. Eventually they quite reaching out. Instead they go into a life of disillusionment and despair, feelings of being unloved, hated, despised, disrespected, demeaned and humiliated and they are all alone with all these feelings. Because emotional abuse is still in the closet, so to speak, there is not much written on it and society condemns people who complain and who can't handle their problems on their own. Many, in fact, will react quite openly aggressive and state, "I don't believe in the victim mentality" as if these people are so strong that they can handle anything that comes their way. Usually, I have found these people to be closed-hearted, un-empathic folk and they are people who have repressed their own feelings of pain. They are probably not the least bit aware of these feeling in themselves but externally cannot tolerate them in others. The appearance is, "I am strong. Victims are weak and stupid." The unconscious truth is, "I don't want to validate your pain because a) no one ever validated mine or b) I got over it (suppressed it) because I'm tuff so shut up about your own stuff and get over it yourself."

The sad part about all of this for the traumatized person is that you received no validity or empathy and hence might begin to doubt your own reality. No wonder you've become silent. To express any part of your pain has proven to bring only another slap. This is similar to the battering man saying, "What are you crying about. Here, I'll give you something to cry about" and then giving you a double whammy. They hit you again whether physically or emotionally.

A philosophical author named Victor Frankl wrote about POWs in the war and he said something like this, "Take even the healthiest person and have someone come by them every day for years and spit on them and mock them and condemn them and hurt them and humiliate them day after day after day and even the healthiest person will become weakened and very sick minded."

What can you do about this? First, quit telling whomever you are telling. They are making your situation worse and they cannot hear you. I know this because you would not have kept reading this far if you didn't identify with this or understand it to be true. Second, find someone to tell your story to who will validate all your feelings and truly have compassion for all your pain. Some people say, "Stop telling your story. It's only making you worse." That's not true because if you tell your story to someone who validates you, empathizes with you and genuinely cares, then you can finally move through your story and through your past. This could be a therapist but be very careful that you go to the right one. You are about to open up, quite vulnerably, to someone very new to you and if they are either insensitive or of a different theoretical framework, you could be further hurt.

So ask these questions:

1. Do you believe in the victim mentality? (If they say no, hang up immediately.)
2. Do you understand the emotional effects of emotional abuse and psychological torment?
3. Do you believe in this terminology?
4. Would you listen to my story?
5. Do you believe that the amount of time to grieve is my choice, not yours?

Action List

1. Get away from anyone who is abusive to you verbally or otherwise.
2. If you cannot get away or you want further help with this, call me! I will always help a person who is sincere in their quest for truth.

Kindly,
Kimberly Kory M.A., L.P.C.C.
Licensed Professional Board-Certified Counselor and Psychotherapist
505-204-4550