Kimberly
Kory
In-Home
Counseling
Emotional
Health
Patterns
and Abuse
Recovery
Its Affect on
Children...
Cancer
Copyright 2006-2008
All Rights Reserved.
Marriage and Emotional Health
People often ask me what makes a good marriage. My answer is two simple words, empathy and honesty. Of course the other obvious values—love, respect and communication—are important but they are impossible without empathy.
To have empathy is to really feel the pain (or whatever feeling) your spouse is going through—to care about them and want them to feel good, calm and at peace. It's also OK if some things are negative as long as they are communicated honestly. That's the only way you can fix them. Also, expressing major rage towards each other would not be my therapeutic advice. Instead, and since behind all anger is a lot of hurt and pain, I believe it's far more important to learn a new method of communicating to each other, with your vulnerabilities, not through the rage. Strong anger pits you against each other as enemies while kind and honest expression of sadness can form a strong bond.
Hopefully you can remember how to be each other's best friend again. It's extremely important that each of you have the other's best interest at heart. Keep in mind that you are in this together forever. In fact, the most important relationship in life, other than your parent or parent figure, is your spouse. It is here that you get to choose whether or not to replay old angers from unfinished business in the past or it is through this beloved connection that you can both transform into happier, healthier individuals and partners.
The way you feel in every part of your life is greatly affected by loving patterns of interaction in your primary relationship at home.
Structure of the Counseling Session
Here is how I typically structure my counseling sessions:
I. I see one spouse alone in a comfortable separate room while the other spouse either watches the kids or does something else. The length of the counseling session can be as long as the client desires.
II. As with the first spouse, I see the second spouse alone. At this point the first person may be working on an assignment.
III. Separate sessions may be necessary for children/adolescents.
IV. At this point couples counseling begins with both parties.
1. I begin by giving one spouse the floor to get everything out while the other empathically listens. No matter how deep the issue, this is their time to express all the pent-up emotions on this topic.
2. Next, with the help of the counselor, they express what they need from the other person, both verbally and emotionally.
3. The other person then gets actively involved and responds as empathically as possible to the needs of the first person.
4. If the second person doesn't know how to respond, then I educate them on what to say, how to say it and how to incorporate empathy into their responses.
5. The first person must state whether or not they feel heard and cared for and if they feel finished with the subject.
6. The second person now goes through everything listed in 1 through 5 above with as much caring and empathy from me as the first person received.
Kindly,
Kimberly Kory M.A., L.P.C.C.
Licensed Professional Board-Certified Counselor and Psychotherapist
505-204-4550