Kimberly Kory - Divorce: Its Affect on Children...

Divorce:
Its Affect on Children...

Divorce: Its Affect on Children...

Many couples, who are often very unhappy together, stay together "only for there children." This is a mistake. Children don't really listen to what you say to them about respect, honesty and love. Instead, children model their parents relationship. This means that when they grow up and get married, they will completely recreate the exact "abusive" environment in which they grew up. This is how they learned about relationships; by living it and watching it and feeling all the exhausting, passive-aggressive hostility, insulting looks, comments and etcetera. The inter-dynamics between the couple are always reenacted by the children.

When the couple decides to divorce, and children are involved, they must recognize the practical and emotional dynamics of how their future communication and actions affect the children and themselves. You cannot be saying bad things about your spouse to your child during you custody time with them. You will only hurt yourself and your child. You would be teaching hatred, rage, anger, unfairness, betrayal and basically that relationships are bad and people are bad. Your child will live to effect the same difficulties that you feel that you went through. The way you express your feelings will be repeated by them to their children.

Like it or not, it's in your best interest, and your child's best interest, to remain always respectful, caring, compassionate and highly empathic toward your ex and your children. You must learn to walk in their shoes—to see and feel life as they are—to understand their pain, struggle and confusion.

If you continue to feel negative emotions, this can be worked out separately, away from your kids. If you and your ex spouse still feel great anger, pain and unresolved feelings which would be affecting your psyche, you can come to a couples counselor and work out some good-bye sessions together.

In this context, you can get into all your resentments and apprehensions. You can also learn how each of you participated in the previous ongoing battles which ended up in divorce. It will help you understand your children and hear and care for them more lovingly than before. However, this would be a very good accomplishment no matter how hard it is or how unwilling you may be, at first, to truly hear the others pain and personal truths. This is where a lot of healing, emotional health and true interchange can take place. You can get to the point where, whatever it takes, you can move on and forward in your life.

You and your ex will be communicating for the rest of your lives about your child. It is absolutely imperative that you do this co-parenting in the healthiest way possible. It will truly open opportunities for acceptance and love in your own life and in the life of your child. If it's the case that only one member of the divorcing couple remains in agony or major sadness or pain of some kind, keep in mind that this is not abnormal for post-divorce feelings. It can be the most traumatic time of your life.

If one of you alone seeks individual counseling, then this is what you need. It is during these sessions that you can certainly make yourself healthier and more loving and get the deeper understanding which you need to feel unstuck and move forward into a new kind of life—a brave new world which you may have never known before.

In the mean time, please respect yourself, your ex spouse and your child. Allow this exchanging of your children to be smooth and comforting for all involved. Trust me, your children will love you if you allow them to still love you both. And you will feel best when this major part of your life is allowed to be worked through, understood and changed. You really can open to a different part of yourself that has now been freed.

During great hardship, these are the times also for the greatest amount of growth, change, self love and brand new healthier feelings inside. Divorce, then, can be your greatest opportunity for change in your life which you may have been searching for, for a very long time. Use the difficulty to force internal changes of mind, heart and life.

I look forward to sharing both the pain and all the following excitement which you'll see in yourself though this extended-hour format in-home therapy process.

Kindly,
Kimberly Kory M.A., L.P.C.C.
Licensed Professional Board-Certified Counselor and Psychotherapist
505-204-4550